Funny Quotes and Sayings

One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
- Groucho Marx

Suppose you were an idiot and suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.
- Mark Twain

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Woody Allen

I don’t think I’ll get married again. I’ll just find a woman I don’t like and give her a house.
- Lewis Grizzard

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen

The shoe that fits one person pinches another; there is no recipe for living that suits all cases.
- Carl Gustav Jung

He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend – provided, of course, that he really is dead.
- Voltaire

Tag: Voltaire

Lecturers should remember that the capacity of the mind to absorb is limited to what the seat can endure.
- Anonymous

An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie

Sacred cows make the best hamburger.
- Mark Twain

The most dangerous food is wedding cake.
- James Thurber

Sometimes I’m so sweet even I can’t stand it.
- Julie Andrews

When a thing is funny, search it for a hidden truth.
- George Bernard Shaw

Don’t hate yourself in the morning. Sleep till noon.
- Anonymous

I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully.
- George Washington

Don’t walk away! I’m trying to apologize you dumb noodle loaf!
- Calvin & Hobbes

You get fifteen Democrats in a room, and you get twenty opinions.
- Patrick Leahy

California is a fine place to live if you happen to be an orange.
- Fred Allen

At this moment I do not have a personal relationship with a computer.
- Janet Reno

How has retirement affected my golf game? A lot more people beat me now.
- Dwight D. Eisenhower

The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is out grossing my films.
- Paul Newman

I’m going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I’m going to Lourdes.
- Woody Allen

When you invite the whole world to your party, inevitably someone pees in the beer.
- Xeni Jardin

I don’t plan to grow old gracefully; I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet.
- Rita Rudner

My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty and that’s the law.
- Jerry Seinfeld