Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 9
Sub Categories :- Funny Birthday Quotes
- Funny Golf Quotes
- Funny Marriage Quotes
- Funny Men Quotes
- Funny Witty Quotes
- Funny Women Quotes
+1My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties.
- Anonymous
+1A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
- Jack Benny
+1I was hooked on writing. I mean, where else can you get paid for sticking your nose into somebody else’s business?
- Bette Greene
+1Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
- Jerry Seinfeld
+1It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.
- Mae West
+1I have a theory of relatives, too. Don’t hire ‘em.
- Jack L. Warner
+1Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
- Anonymous
+1Golf is a wonderful exercise. You can stand on your feet for hours, watching somebody else putt.
- Will Rogers
+1The best way to lose weight is to develop an orthodox belief in some religion that doesn’t allow any fun.
- Gregory Nunn
+1Marry for money, my little sonny, a rich man’s joke is always funny.
- Hebrew Proverb
+1A male gynecologist is like an auto mechanic who has never owned a car.
- Carrie Snow
+1The True Man wants 2 things: DANGER & PLAY. For that reason he wants Woman, as the Most Dangerous Plaything.
- Friedrich Nietzsche
+1A skeptic is a person who would ask God for his ID card.
- Edgar A. Shoaff
+1Every mother hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did, and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did.
- Martin Andersen
+1Being a woman has only bothered me in climbing trees.
- Frances Perkins
+1I was the first woman to burn my bra it took the fire department four days to put it out.
- Dolly Parton
+1The chief excitement in a woman’s life is spotting women who are fatter than she is.
- Helen Rowland
+1Girls are like pianos. When they’re not upright, they’re grand.
- Benny Hill
+1A woman reading Playboy feels a little like a Jew reading a Nazi manual.
- Gloria Steinem
+1A baby sitter is a teenager who gets two dollars an hour to eat five dollars’ worth of your food.
- Henny Youngman
0I just thought of something funny…your mother.
- Cheech Marin
0I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades or a game of fake heart attack.
- Demetri Martin
0All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
- Casey Stengel
0I guess I don’t mind so much being old, as I mind being fat and old.
- Peter Gabriel
0I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
- Tommy Cooper
0Love is a serious mental disease.
- Plato
0I think I am about 5 for 500 when it comes to successful ideas vs flops.
- Jeremy Schoemaker
0Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.
- Harriet Van Horne
0I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
- Jack Benny
0Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks
0I’m the master of low expectations.
- George Washington
0Girls bored me, they still do. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I’ve ever known.
- Walt Disney
0A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house.
- Moliere
0When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
- Irwin Corey
0A line is a dot that went for a walk.
- Paul Klee
0It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.
- Walt Disney
0To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
- Woody Allen
0I wonder why you can always read a doctor’s bill and you can never read his prescription.
- Anonymous
0Being in the hospital is a downer , but there is good in everything, you are being served breakfast in bed, Get Well Soon .
- Anonymous
0I love u for pleasure…….If u want loyalty hire a dog
