Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 8
Sub Categories :- Funny Birthday Quotes
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+1The scientific theory I like best is that the rings of Saturn are composed entirely of lost airline luggage.
- Mark Russell
+1Crash programs fail because they are based on theory that, with nine women pregnant, you can get a baby in a month.
- Wernher Braun
+1If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.
- Anonymous
+1I want to die in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.
— Emo Phillips
+1A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
- H. L. Mencken
+1The radio has no future!
- Lord Kelvin
+1Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
- Groucho Marx
+1A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
- Anonymous
+1You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
- Henny Youngman
+1Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
- Mae West
+1He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
- Lao Tsu
+1Aviation is good for sport, but for the Army it is useless!
- Marshal Ferdinand Foch
+1Traditionally most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.
- Keppel Enderbery
+1A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining.
- Mark Twain
+1I’m a classic example of all humorists only funny when I’m working.
- Peter Sellers
+1If the minimum wasn’t acceptable it wouldn’t be called the minimum.
- George Muncaster
+1Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
- Jerry Garcia
+1You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
- John Mendoza
+1Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
- Anonymous
+1I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
+1I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
- Woody Allen
+1Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
- Joan Rivers
+1Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
- Al Bundy
+1My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante
+1As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.
- Socrates
+1Airplanes can barely keep themselves in the air. How can they then carry any kind of load?
- William Pickering
+1Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
+1A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley
+1I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
- George Burns
+1My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen
+1The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother and they’ll settle for a puppy every time.
- Winston Pendelton
+1Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
- Evelyn Waugh
+1By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
+1There was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am old, there is no respect for age – I missed it coming and going.
- J.B. Priestly
+1One survey found that ten percent of Americans thought Joan of Arc was Noah’s wife.
- Rita Mae Brown
+1I want to see a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig.
- Andrea Dworkin
+1If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a duck.
- Proverb
+1Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.
- Woody Allen
+1Eggs have no business dancing with stones.
- Italian Proverb
+1I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers
