Funny Quotes and Sayings

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.
- Joe E. Lewis

I wonder why you can always read a doctor’s bill and you can never read his prescription.
- Anonymous

Being in the hospital is a downer , but there is good in everything, you are being served breakfast in bed, Get Well Soon .
- Anonymous

I am not a glutton. I am an explorer of food.
- Erma Bombeck

I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British.
- Woody Allen

The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
- Anonymous

In all matters of opinion, our adversaries are insane.
- Oscar Wilde

Some days even my lucky rocket ship underpants won’t help.
- Calvin & Hobbes

You know the good part about all those executions in Texas?
- George Carlin

Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.
- Dan Castellaneta

If Stupidity got us into this mess, then why can’t it get us out?
- Will Rogers

Just because nobody complains doesn’t mean all parachutes are perfect.
- Benny Hill

You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
- Bob Hope

He who runs behind truck is exhausted, he who runs in front of truck is tired.
- Anonymous

You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
- George Washington

Mosquitoes remind us that we are not as high up on the food chain as we think.
- Tom Wilson

Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.
- Anonymous

A little sincerity is a dangerous thing, and a great deal of it is absolutely fatal.
- Oscar Wilde

Never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
- Dave Barry

The sum of intelligence on the planet is a constant; the population is growing.
- Anonymous

A thunderstorm is God’s way of saying you spend too much time in front of the computer.
- Anonymous

Funny is an attitude.
- Flip Wilson

I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
- Groucho Marx

Life is one fool thing after another where as love is two fool things after each other.
- Oscar Wilde

If you can’t answer a man’s arguments, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard