Funny Quotes and Sayings

I was hooked on writing. I mean, where else can you get paid for sticking your nose into somebody else’s business?
- Bette Greene

Where lipstick is concerned, the important thing is not color, but to accept God’s final word on where your lips end.
- Jerry Seinfeld

It’s hard to be funny when you have to be clean.
- Mae West

Tag: Mae West

I have a theory of relatives, too. Don’t hire ‘em.
- Jack L. Warner

Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
- Anonymous

Golf is a wonderful exercise. You can stand on your feet for hours, watching somebody else putt.
- Will Rogers

The best way to lose weight is to develop an orthodox belief in some religion that doesn’t allow any fun.
- Gregory Nunn

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades or a game of fake heart attack.
- Demetri Martin

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
- Casey Stengel

I guess I don’t mind so much being old, as I mind being fat and old.
- Peter Gabriel

I had a dream last night, I was eating a ten pound marshmallow. I woke up this morning and the pillow was gone.
- Tommy Cooper

Love is a serious mental disease.
- Plato

Tag: Plato

I think I am about 5 for 500 when it comes to successful ideas vs flops.
- Jeremy Schoemaker

Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.
- Harriet Van Horne

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
- Jack Benny

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

I’m the master of low expectations.
- George Washington

Girls bored me, they still do. I love Mickey Mouse more than any woman I’ve ever known.
- Walt Disney

A lover tries to stand in well with the pet dog of the house.
- Moliere

When your IQ rises to 28, sell.
- Irwin Corey

A line is a dot that went for a walk.
- Paul Klee

It’s kind of fun to do the impossible.
- Walt Disney

To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
- Woody Allen

My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
- Ashleigh Brilliant

How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips