Funny Quotes and Sayings

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
- Woody Allen

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
- George Burns

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
- Joan Rivers

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
- Al Bundy

The dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can’t afford to keep a yes-man.
- Robertson Davies

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante

As to marriage or celibacy, let a man take the course he will. He will be sure to repent.
- Socrates

Tag: Socrates

Airplanes can barely keep themselves in the air. How can they then carry any kind of load?
- William Pickering

Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck

A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.
- Robert Benchley

I can’t understand why I flunked American history. When I was a kid there was so little of it.
- George Burns

My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen

The best way to get a puppy is to beg for a baby brother and they’ll settle for a puppy every time.
- Winston Pendelton

Anyone who has been to an English public school will always feel comparatively at home in prison.
- Evelyn Waugh

By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
- Socrates

Tag: Socrates

There was no respect for youth when I was young, and now that I am old, there is no respect for age – I missed it coming and going.
- J.B. Priestly

I want to see a man beaten to a bloody pulp with a high heel shoved in his mouth, like an apple in the mouth of a pig.
- Andrea Dworkin

I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
- Patrick Murray

If it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, looks like a duck, it must be a duck.
- Proverb

Tag: Proverb

Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.
- Woody Allen

Eggs have no business dancing with stones.
- Italian Proverb

I knew I was an unwanted baby when I saw that my bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
- Joan Rivers

My notion of a wife at forty is that a man should be able to change her, like a bank note, for two twenties.
- Anonymous

A scout troop consists of twelve little kids dressed like schmucks following a big schmuck dressed like a kid.
- Jack Benny