Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 5
Sub Categories :- Funny Birthday Quotes
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+2What’s another word for thesaurus?
- Steven Wright
+2Adding “just kidding” doesn’t make it okay to insult the Principal.
- Nancy Cartwright
+2Marriage is tricky; you start having hot sex in the kitchen and after a few years you end up eating cold food in bed.
+2How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips
+2Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young.
- Anonymous
+2Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.
- Joe E. Lewis
+2China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Charles Gaulle
+2There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.
- Coco Chanel
+2That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.
- Proverb
+2When all else fails, stop using “all else”.
- Anonymous
+2Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Erma Bombeck
+2Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- Erma Bombeck
+2The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
- Anonymous
+2You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
- George Washington
+2Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.
- Anonymous
+2The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don’t like.
- Anonymous
+2It’s relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I’m an idiot.
- Warren Thomas
+2There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
- Bill Cosby
+2If you can’t answer a man’s arguments, all is not lost; you can still call him vile names.
- Elbert Hubbard
+2By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
- Oscar Wilde
+2With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law; and every time they make a law it’s a joke.
- Anonymous
+2He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend – provided, of course, that he really is dead.
- Voltaire
+2When you invite the whole world to your party, inevitably someone pees in the beer.
- Xeni Jardin
+1The more candles on the cake, the harder they are to blow out.
+1The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
- Arthur Schopenhauer
+1We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
- Milton Berle
+1Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
- Demetri Martin
+1Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson
+1The greatest love is a mother’s; then a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s.
- Polish Proverb
+1I named my dog Stay so I can say, “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.
- Steven Wright
+1Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter and in wine.
- Polish proverb
+1Chamberlain seemed such a nice old gentleman that I thought I would give him my autograph.
- Adolf Hitler
+1I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
- Patrick Murray
+1I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
- Homer J. Simpson
+1If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson
+1My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.
- Steve Buscemi
+1Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
- Dick Clark
+1You watch the pitlane while I stop the start watch…
- Murray Walker
+1A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
- Samuel Goldwyn
+1Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx
