Funny Quotes and Sayings
I always like a dog so long as he isn’t spelled backward.
- G.K. Chesterton
Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife’s clothes.
- Thomas R. Dewar
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
- Lao Tsu
Aviation is good for sport, but for the Army it is useless!
- Marshal Ferdinand Foch
Traditionally most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.
- Keppel Enderbery
Govern a family as you would cook a small fish – very gently.
- Chinese Proverb
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
- H. L. Mencken
A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
- Buster Keaton
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining.
- Mark Twain
I’m a classic example of all humorists only funny when I’m working.
- Peter Sellers
If the minimum wasn’t acceptable it wouldn’t be called the minimum.
- George Muncaster
Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
- Jerry Garcia
I named my dog Stay so I can say, “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.
- Steven Wright
You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
- Dilbert
You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
- John Mendoza
Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter and in wine.
- Polish proverb
Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
- Anonymous
I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
- Woody Allen
Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
- George Burns
Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
- Joan Rivers
The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.
- Bob Varsha
Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
- Al Bundy
The dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can’t afford to keep a yes-man.
- Robertson Davies
My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante


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