Funny Quotes and Sayings
I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
- Mitch Hedberg
I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
- Rodney Dangerfield
My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.
- Steve Buscemi
A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.
- Arthur Brisbane
You watch the pitlane while I stop the start watch…
- Murray Walker
Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas.
- Dale Evans
A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
- Samuel Goldwyn
The radio has no future!
- Lord Kelvin
Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.
- Frank Zappa
Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
- Groucho Marx
Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Erbert Hubbard
Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov
A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
- Anonymous
You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
- Henny Youngman
Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
- Mae West
No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris.
- Orville Wright
If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
- Sam Levenson
He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
- Lao Tsu
Aviation is good for sport, but for the Army it is useless!
- Marshal Ferdinand Foch
Traditionally most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.
- Keppel Enderbery
Govern a family as you would cook a small fish – very gently.
- Chinese Proverb
A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
- H. L. Mencken
A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
- Buster Keaton
A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining.
- Mark Twain
I’m a classic example of all humorists only funny when I’m working.
- Peter Sellers


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