Funny Quotes and Sayings

I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
- Mitch Hedberg

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
- Rodney Dangerfield

My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.
- Steve Buscemi

A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.
- Arthur Brisbane

You watch the pitlane while I stop the start watch…
- Murray Walker

Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas.
- Dale Evans

A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
- Samuel Goldwyn

The radio has no future!
- Lord Kelvin

Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.
- Frank Zappa

Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
- Groucho Marx

Life is just one damned thing after another.
- Erbert Hubbard

Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
- Peter Ustinov

A vasectomy means never having to say you’re sorry.
- Anonymous

You can’t buy love, but you can pay heavily for it.
- Henny Youngman

Give a man a free hand and he’ll run it all over you.
- Mae West

Tag: Mae West

No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris.
- Orville Wright

If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
- Sam Levenson

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
- Lao Tsu

Aviation is good for sport, but for the Army it is useless!
- Marshal Ferdinand Foch

Traditionally most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.
- Keppel Enderbery

Govern a family as you would cook a small fish – very gently.
- Chinese Proverb

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
- H. L. Mencken

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
- Buster Keaton

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining.
- Mark Twain

I’m a classic example of all humorists only funny when I’m working.
- Peter Sellers