Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 5

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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
- Sam Levenson

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A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
- H. L. Mencken

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Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
- Katherine Hepburn

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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck

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Adding “just kidding” doesn’t make it okay to insult the Principal.
- Nancy Cartwright

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Marriage is tricky; you start having hot sex in the kitchen and after a few years you end up eating cold food in bed.

Submitted by Federico Riva.
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How many people here have telekinetic powers? Raise my hand.
- Emo Philips

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Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young.
- Anonymous

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Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.
- Joe E. Lewis

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China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Charles Gaulle

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There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.
- Coco Chanel

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That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.
- Proverb

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When all else fails, stop using “all else”.
- Anonymous

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Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Erma Bombeck

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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- Erma Bombeck

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The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
- Anonymous

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You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
- George Washington

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Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.
- Anonymous

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The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don’t like.
- Anonymous

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It’s relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I’m an idiot.
- Warren Thomas

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There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
- Bill Cosby

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By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

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With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law; and every time they make a law it’s a joke.
- Anonymous

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He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend – provided, of course, that he really is dead.
- Voltaire

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When you invite the whole world to your party, inevitably someone pees in the beer.
- Xeni Jardin

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The more candles on the cake, the harder they are to blow out.

Submitted by Martin Dansky.
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The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
- Jay Leno

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Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.
- Navjot Singh Sidhu

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Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
- Demetri Martin

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Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson

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The greatest love is a mother’s; then a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s.
- Polish Proverb

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I named my dog Stay so I can say, “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.
- Steven Wright

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Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter and in wine.
- Polish proverb

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I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
- Patrick Murray

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My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.
- Steve Buscemi

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Humor is always based on a modicum of truth. Have you ever heard a joke about a father-in-law?
- Dick Clark

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Statistics are like miniskirts, they reveal more than what they hide.
- Navjot Singh Sidhu

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Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.
- Navjot Singh Sidhu

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That ball went so high it could have got an air hostess down with it.
- Navjot Singh Sidhu

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A verbal contract isn’t worth the paper it’s written on.
- Samuel Goldwyn