Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 5

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Jazz is not dead, it just smells funny.
– Frank Zappa

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Life is just one damned thing after another.
– Erbert Hubbard

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Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious.
– Peter Ustinov

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A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
– Erma Bombeck

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If you die in an elevator, be sure to push the Up button.
– Sam Levenson

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A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
– H. L. Mencken

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By all means marry; if you get a good wife, you’ll be happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher.
– Socrates

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Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then.
– Katherine Hepburn

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Every mother hopes that her daughter will marry a better man than she did, and is convinced that her son will never find a wife as good as his father did.
– Martin Andersen

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China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
– Charles Gaulle

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There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.
– Coco Chanel

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That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.
– Proverb

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Never accept a drink from a urologist.
– Erma Bombeck

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When all else fails, stop using “all else”.
– Anonymous

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Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
– Erma Bombeck

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The problem with political jokes is they get elected.
– Anonymous

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You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy test.
– George Washington

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Every time you see a beautiful woman, just remember, somebody got tired of her.
– Anonymous

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The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don’t like.
– Anonymous

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It’s relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I’m an idiot.
– Warren Thomas

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By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
– Oscar Wilde

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With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law; and every time they make a law it’s a joke.
– Anonymous

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He was a great patriot, a humanitarian, a loyal friend – provided, of course, that he really is dead.
– Voltaire

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When you invite the whole world to your party, inevitably someone pees in the beer.
– Xeni Jardin

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No man is truly married until he understands every word his wife is NOT saying.
– Anonymous

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A man is already halfway in love with any woman who listens to him.
– Brendan Francis

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Happy birthday. I guess we’ve reached the age when every compliment we get is typically accompanied by “for someone your age.
– Anonymous

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The biggest thing in my life right now is my girlfriend. I love this girl. I know I love her because she told me.
– Adam Ferrara

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The more candles on the cake, the harder they are to blow out.

Submitted by Martin Dansky.
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The crime problem in New York is getting really serious. The other day the Statue of Liberty had both hands up.
– Jay Leno

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Indian team without Sachin is like giving Kiss without a Squeeze.
– Navjot Singh Sidhu

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Every fight is a food fight when you’re a cannibal.
– Demetri Martin

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Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.
– Holbrook Jackson

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He’s got a photographic mind. Too bad it never developed.
– Leopold Fechtner

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The greatest love is a mother’s; then a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s.
– Polish Proverb

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I named my dog Stay so I can say, “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.
– Steven Wright

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Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter and in wine.
– Polish proverb

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I’ve had bad luck with both my wives. The first one left me and the second one didn’t.
– Patrick Murray

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My favorite review described me as the cinematic equivalent of junk mail.
– Steve Buscemi

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The way Indian wickets are falling reminds of the cycle stand at Rajendra Talkies in Patiala one falls and everything else falls!
– Navjot Singh Sidhu

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