Funny Quotes and Sayings

I always like a dog so long as he isn’t spelled backward.
- G.K. Chesterton

Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife’s clothes.
- Thomas R. Dewar

He who knows that enough is enough will always have enough.
- Lao Tsu

Aviation is good for sport, but for the Army it is useless!
- Marshal Ferdinand Foch

Traditionally most of Australia’s imports come from overseas.
- Keppel Enderbery

Govern a family as you would cook a small fish – very gently.
- Chinese Proverb

A judge is a law student who marks his own examination papers.
- H. L. Mencken

A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
- Buster Keaton

A banker is a fellow who lends you his umbrella when the sun is shining.
- Mark Twain

I’m a classic example of all humorists only funny when I’m working.
- Peter Sellers

If the minimum wasn’t acceptable it wouldn’t be called the minimum.
- George Muncaster

Constantly choosing the lesser of two evils is still choosing evil.
- Jerry Garcia

I named my dog Stay so I can say, “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.
- Steven Wright

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
- Dilbert

You know you’re getting old when you can pinch an inch on your forehead.
- John Mendoza

Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter and in wine.
- Polish proverb

Romance often begins by a splashing waterfall and ends over a leaky sink.
- Anonymous

I don’t feel old. I don’t feel anything until noon. Then it’s time for my nap.
- Bob Hope

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
- Woody Allen

Retirement at sixty-five is ridiculous. When I was sixty-five I still had pimples.
- George Burns

Trust your husband, adore your husband, and get as much as you can in your own name.
- Joan Rivers

The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.
- Bob Varsha

Insurance is like marriage. You pay, pay, pay, and you never get anything back.
- Al Bundy

The dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can’t afford to keep a yes-man.
- Robertson Davies

My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe.
- Jimmy Durante