Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 4

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I would stop dating in high school just to be your friend forever.

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When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
– Thomas Jefferson

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If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
– Harry S Truman

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The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
– Jay Leno

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I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
– Anonymous

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A good friend can tell you what is the matter with you in a minute. He may not seem such a good friend after telling.
– Arthur Brisbane

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Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
– Carl Gustav Jung

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A comedian does funny things. A good comedian does things funny.
– Buster Keaton

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The True Man wants 2 things: DANGER & PLAY. For that reason he wants Woman, as the Most Dangerous Plaything.
– Friedrich Nietzsche

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Marriage is tricky; you start having hot sex in the kitchen and after a few years you end up eating cold food in bed.

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The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
– Henry Youngman

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You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
– Homer J Simpson

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I speak two languages, Body and English.
– Mae West

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My play was a complete success. The audience was a failure.
– Ashleigh Brilliant

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God made mud, God made dirt, God made boys so girls could flirt.
– Anonymous

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Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.
– Joe E. Lewis

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The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.
– Italian Proverb

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Me fail english? Thats unpossible.
– Matt Groening

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You know you are getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
– Bob Hope

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I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
– Mae West

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I hate it when people don’t remember my name. It means I have to try to think of it myself.
– John Alejandro King

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Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
– Marilyn Vos Savant

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It takes 43 muscles to frown and 17 to smile, but it doesn’t take any to sit there with a dumb look on your face.
– Anonymous

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Boys are beyond the range of anybody’s sure understanding, at least when they are between the ages of 18 months and 90 years.
– James Thurber

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Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
– Anonymous

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Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.
– Satchel Paige

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You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
– Dilbert

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The dog is a yes-animal, very popular with people who can’t afford to keep a yes-man.
– Robertson Davies

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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous everyone hasn’t met me yet.
– Rodney Dangerfield

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Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
– George Carlin

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I don’t exaggerate. I just remember big.
– Chi Chi Rodriguez

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I think fooseball is a combination of soccer and shish kabobs.
– Mitch Hedberg

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Lisa, vampires are make believe, like elves, gremlins, and Eskimos.
– Dan Castellaneta

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People eager to get married can be trusted about as much as people eager to get elected.
– Anonymous

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In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well.
– Len Deighton

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Sri Lankan score is running like an Indian taximeter.
– Navjot Singh Sidhu

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Every time we love, every time we give, it’s Christmas.
– Dale Evans

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I don’t at all like knowing what people say of me behind my back. It makes me far too conceited.
– Oscar Wilde

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Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
– H.L. Mencken

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No matter how happily a woman may be married, it always pleases her to discover that there is a nice man who wishes she were not.
– H.L. Mencken

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