Funny Quotes and Sayings

It’s relaxing to go out with my ex-wife because she already knows I’m an idiot.
- Warren Thomas

There is hope for the future because God has a sense of humor and we are funny to God.
- Bill Cosby

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

With Congress, every time they make a joke it’s a law; and every time they make a law it’s a joke.
- Anonymous

When you invite the whole world to your party, inevitably someone pees in the beer.
- Xeni Jardin

I hate it when people don’t remember my name. It means I have to try to think of it myself.
- John Alejandro King

I love u for pleasure…….If u want loyalty hire a dog

Submitted by SHRUTI.

Tag: Shruti

A photographer & pessimist r the two people who always think abut negatives

Submitted by himanshu guntewar.

The more candles on the cake, the harder they are to blow out.

Submitted by Martin Dansky.

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
- Milton Berle

Man is a dog’s idea of what God should be.
- Holbrook Jackson

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- Anonymous

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.
- Satchel Paige

The greatest love is a mother’s; then a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s.
- Polish Proverb

I named my dog Stay so I can say, “Come here, Stay. Come here, Stay.
- Steven Wright

You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter.
- Dilbert

Fish, to taste right, must swim three times – in water, in butter and in wine.
- Polish proverb

Chamberlain seemed such a nice old gentleman that I thought I would give him my autograph.
- Adolf Hitler

I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
- Homer J. Simpson

I used to think I was indecisive, but now I’m not so sure.
- Anonymous

If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.
- Johnny Carson

I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous everyone hasn’t met me yet.
- Rodney Dangerfield

Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac.
- George Carlin

I don’t exaggerate. I just remember big.
- Chi Chi Rodriguez