Funny Quotes and Sayings

When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey

All right everyone, line up alphabetically according to your height.
- Casey Stengel

There is time for work. And time for love. That leaves no other time.
- Coco Chanel

All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
- Charles M. Schulz

You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
- Homer J Simpson

I think I am about 5 for 500 when it comes to successful ideas vs flops.
- Jeremy Schoemaker

Cooking is like love. It should be entered into with abandon or not at all.
- Harriet Van Horne

I don’t deserve this award, but I have arthritis and I don’t deserve that either.
- Jack Benny

When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
- Mae West

Tag: Mae West

A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- Bob Hope

Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you walk into an open sewer and die.
- Mel Brooks

I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- Whitney Brown

That’s why they call them crushes. If they were easy, they’d call them something else.
- Proverb

Tag: Proverb

An archeologist is the best husband any woman can have: the older she gets, the more interested he is in her.
- Agatha Christie

I see your face when I am dreaming. That’s why I always wake up screaming.
- A. A. Attanasio

If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- Harry S Truman

A line is a dot that went for a walk.
- Paul Klee

I speak two languages, Body and English.
- Mae West

Tag: Mae West

The best way to lose weight is to eat all you want of everything you don’t like.
- Anonymous

By persistently remaining single a man converts himself into a permanent public temptation.
- Oscar Wilde

Whenever someone asks me if I want water with my Scotch, I say I’m thirsty, not dirty.
- Joe E. Lewis

I would stop dating in high school just to be your friend forever.

Submitted by Tofaial Rahman.

I wonder why you can always read a doctor’s bill and you can never read his prescription.
- Anonymous

Being in the hospital is a downer , but there is good in everything, you are being served breakfast in bed, Get Well Soon .
- Anonymous

We owe a lot to Thomas Edison – if it wasn’t for him, we’d be watching television by candlelight.
- Milton Berle

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