Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 3
- Funny Birthday Quotes
- Funny Golf Quotes
- Funny Marriage Quotes
- Funny Men Quotes
- Funny Witty Quotes
- Funny Women Quotes
Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend’s looks and vise versa.
Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
Golf is a funny game and today seemed to go my way, so it was nice to get off to a good start.
I know I’m getting better at golf because I’m hitting fewer spectators.
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
I like my whiskey old and my women young.
No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.
War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
- Mae West
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
- E. Joseph Cossman
Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife’s clothes.
- Thomas R. Dewar
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
- Winston Churchill
Operator, give me the number for 911!
- Homer J Simpson
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
- Sam Levenson
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- Bob Hope
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- Whitney Brown
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
A genius is a man who can re wrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
- Jim Davis
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
Don’t tell mom I’m a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
- Bumper sticker
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
- Dave Allen
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
- Charles M. Schulz
When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby
You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically abusive, cold, dead hand.
- Bumper sticker
Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken
It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.
- William Thomas
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
- Groucho Marx
I would stop dating in high school just to be your friend forever.
When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
- Thomas Jefferson