Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 3

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Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife’s clothes.
– Thomas R. Dewar

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I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
– Anonymous

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Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend’s looks and vise versa.
– Anonymous

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The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
– Anonymous

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Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
– Anonymous

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Golf is a funny game and today seemed to go my way, so it was nice to get off to a good start.
– Anonymous

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I know I’m getting better at golf because I’m hitting fewer spectators.
– Anonymous

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Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
– Anonymous

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I like my whiskey old and my women young.
– Anonymous

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No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.
– Anonymous

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It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
– Anonymous

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Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.
– Anonymous

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A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
– Steven Wright

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A man in the house is worth two in the street.
– Anonymous

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Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.
– Anonymous

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When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
– Mae West

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A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
– Anonymous

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I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
– Proverb

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The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
– E. Joseph Cossman

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I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
– Winston Churchill

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Operator, give me the number for 911!
– Homer J Simpson

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It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
– Sam Levenson

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A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
– Bob Hope

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I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
– Whitney Brown

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All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
– Anonymous

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A genius is a man who can re wrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.
– Anonymous

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In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
– Woody Allen

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Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
– Jim Davis

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The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
– Andy Rooney

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Don’t tell mom I’m a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
– Bumper sticker

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You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically abusive, cold, dead hand.
– Bumper sticker

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If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
– Dave Allen

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Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
– H. L. Mencken

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All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
– Charles M. Schulz

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When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
– Edward Abbey

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Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
– Bill Cosby

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Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
– Albert Einstein

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It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.
– William Thomas

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A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
– Groucho Marx

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I would stop dating in high school just to be your friend forever.

Submitted by Tofaial Rahman.
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