Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 3Sub Categories :
- Funny Birthday Quotes
- Funny Golf Quotes
- Funny Marriage Quotes
- Funny Men Quotes
- Funny Witty Quotes
- Funny Women Quotes
I’m not saying my golf game went bad, but if I grew tomatoes, they’d come up sliced.
Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend’s looks and vise versa.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
My wife hasn’t had a birthday in 4 years. She was born in the year of. Lord only knows.
Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
Golf is a funny game and today seemed to go my way, so it was nice to get off to a good start.
I know I’m getting better at golf because I’m hitting fewer spectators.
Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
I like my whiskey old and my women young.
No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.
It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.
A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
– Steven Wright
A man in the house is worth two in the street.
Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.
When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
– Mae West
A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
– E. Joseph Cossman
I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
– Winston Churchill
Operator, give me the number for 911!
– Homer J Simpson
It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
– Sam Levenson
A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
– Bob Hope
I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
– Whitney Brown
All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
A genius is a man who can re wrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.
In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
– Woody Allen
Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
– Jim Davis
The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
– Andy Rooney
Don’t tell mom I’m a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
– Bumper sticker
If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
– Dave Allen
Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
– H. L. Mencken
All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
– Charles M. Schulz
When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
– Edward Abbey
Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
– Bill Cosby
You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically abusive, cold, dead hand.
– Bumper sticker
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
– Albert Einstein
It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.
– William Thomas
A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
– Groucho Marx
I would stop dating in high school just to be your friend forever.