Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 3
- Funny Birthday Quotes
- Funny Golf Quotes
- Funny Marriage Quotes
- Funny Men Quotes
- Funny Witty Quotes
- Funny Women Quotes
+14Your school GPA is inversely proportionate to your girlfriend’s looks and vise versa.
- Anonymous
+14Time and Tide wait for no man, but time always stands still for a woman of thirty.
- Anonymous
+14Golf is a funny game and today seemed to go my way, so it was nice to get off to a good start.
- Anonymous
+14I know I’m getting better at golf because I’m hitting fewer spectators.
- Anonymous
+14Marriage is an adventure, like going to war.
- Anonymous
+14I like my whiskey old and my women young.
- Anonymous
+14No man knows more about women than I do, and I know nothing.
- Anonymous
+14War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
- Anonymous
+14It’s a funny thing that when a man hasn’t anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.
- Anonymous
+14Women are like elephants. Everyone likes to look at them but no-one likes to have to keep one.
- Anonymous
+12The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
- Anonymous
+12A man in the house is worth two in the street.
- Anonymous
+12Quitting smoking is the easiest thing in the world. I’ve done it dozens of times.
- Anonymous
+12When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
- Mae West
+12A man in love is incomplete until he is married. Then he’s finished.
- Anonymous
+11The best way to remember your wife’s birthday is to forget it once.
- E. Joseph Cossman
+11Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife’s clothes.
- Thomas R. Dewar
+11I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
- Winston Churchill
+11Operator, give me the number for 911!
- Homer J Simpson
+10A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright
+10It’s so simple to be wise. Just think of something stupid to say and then don’t say it.
- Sam Levenson
+10A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- Bob Hope
+10I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- Whitney Brown
+10All men are not homeless, but some men are home less than others.
- Anonymous
+10A genius is a man who can re wrap a new shirt and not have any pins left over.
- Anonymous
+10In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen
+9Avoid fruits and nuts. You are what you eat.
- Jim Davis
+9The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
+9Don’t tell mom I’m a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
- Bumper sticker
+9I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.
- Proverb
+9If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
- Dave Allen
+8All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
- Charles M. Schulz
+8When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey
+7Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
- Bill Cosby
+7You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically abusive, cold, dead hand.
- Bumper sticker
+6Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken
+6It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.
- William Thomas
+6A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
- Groucho Marx
+6I would stop dating in high school just to be your friend forever.
+6When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
- Thomas Jefferson
