Funny Quotes and Sayings
+9You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically abusive, cold, dead hand.
- Bumper sticker
+8A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright
+7If it’s sent by ship then it’s a cargo, if it’s sent by road then it’s a shipment.
- Dave Allen
+7Judge not a man by his clothes, but by his wife’s clothes.
- Thomas R. Dewar
+7The average dog is a nicer person than the average person.
- Andy Rooney
+7The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.
- Jay Leno
+6A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
- Groucho Marx
+6It wouldn’t be New Year’s if I didn’t have regrets.
- William Thomas
+6All you need is love. But a little chocolate now and then doesn’t hurt.
- Charles M. Schulz
+6I would stop dating in high school just to be your friend forever.
+6When a man’s best friend is his dog, that dog has a problem.
- Edward Abbey
+6When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
- Thomas Jefferson
+6When choosing between two evils, I always like to try the one I’ve never tried before.
- Mae West
+6If you can’t convince them, confuse them.
- Harry S Truman
+6In my house I’m the boss, my wife is just the decision maker.
- Woody Allen
+5Don’t tell mom I’m a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
- Bumper sticker
+5Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
- Marilyn Vos Savant
+5Show me a sane man and I will cure him for you.
- Carl Gustav Jung
+5In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well.
- Len Deighton
+4Happiness is the china shop; love is the bull.
- H. L. Mencken
+4A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.
- Bob Hope
+4I am not a vegetarian because I love animals; I am a vegetarian because I hate plants.
- Whitney Brown
+4You tried your best and you failed miserably. The lesson is ‘never try’.
- Homer J Simpson
+4Mothers of Teenagers Know Why Animals Eat Their Young.
- Anonymous
+4I used to be Snow White, but I drifted.
- Mae West