Funny Quotes and Sayings

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
- Woody Allen

What’s another word for thesaurus?
- Steven Wright

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
- Steven Wright

The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.
- Henry Youngman

When you reach the end of your rope, tie a knot in it and hang on.
- Thomas Jefferson

I guess I don’t mind so much being old, as I mind being fat and old.
- Peter Gabriel

Men are from earth. Women are from earth. Deal with it.
- Anonymous

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.
- Satchel Paige

The person who writes for fools is always sure of a large audience.
- Arthur Schopenhauer

The greatest love is a mother’s; then a dog’s; then a sweetheart’s.
- Polish Proverb

It’s funny to me that I have to prove to the banks that I’M honest.
- Scott Adams

Don’t tell mom I’m a pilot, she thinks I play piano in a whorehouse.
- Bumper sticker

I like pigs. Dogs look up to us. Cats look down on us. Pigs treat us as equals.
- Winston Churchill

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.
- Marilyn Vos Savant

Chamberlain seemed such a nice old gentleman that I thought I would give him my autograph.
- Adolf Hitler

You can have my gun when you pry it from my paranoid, mentally disturbed, physically abusive, cold, dead hand.
- Bumper sticker

I’m in no condition to drive…wait! I shouldn’t listen to myself, I’m drunk!
- Homer J. Simpson

I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
- Rodney Dangerfield

In Mexico an air conditioner is called a politician because it makes a lot of noise but doesn’t work very well.
- Len Deighton

I just thought of something funny…your mother.
- Cheech Marin

Adding “just kidding” doesn’t make it okay to insult the Principal.
- Nancy Cartwright

I think the worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades or a game of fake heart attack.
- Demetri Martin

The best armor is staying out of gun-shot.
- Italian Proverb

China is a big country, inhabited by many Chinese.
- Charles Gaulle

A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
- Groucho Marx

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