Funny Quotes and Sayings - Page 11

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If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Earl Wilson

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If the gods had intended for people to vote, they would have given us candidates.
- Howard Zinn

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Strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government!
- Monty Python

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I have never been jealous. Not even when my dad finished fifth grade a year before I did.
- Jeff Foxworthy

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If my critics saw me walking over the Thames they would say it was because I couldn’t swim.
- Margaret Thatcher

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I went on a diet, swore off drinking and heavy eating, and in fourteen days I lost two weeks.
- Joe E. Lewis

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The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- Erma Bombeck

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It was like a heart transplant. We tried to implant college in him but his head rejected it.
- Barry Switzer

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Many a golfer prefers a golf cart to a caddy because the cart cannot count, criticize or laugh.
- Anonymous

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I don’t like spinach, and I’m glad I don’t, because if I liked it I’d eat it, and I just hate it.
- Clarence Darrow

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When your bank account is so overdrawn that it is positively photographic, steps must be taken.
- Dorothy Parker

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Washington is a place where politicians don’t know which way is up and taxes don’t know which way is down.
- Robert Orben

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The past is an old armchair in the attic, the present an ominous ticking sound, and the future is any body’s guess.
- James Thurber

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Another term for balloon is bad breath holder.
- Demetri Martin

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You’re so much more endearing with the sound turned off.
- Brandon Boyd

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A blunderer is a man who starts a meat market during Lent.
- James Montgomery Bailey

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Have you seen my Kungfu lately? Cause it has gotten totally awesome!
- Gerard Way

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You’ve got about as much chance as finding a vegetarian pit bull terrier.
- Anonymous

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Let us be lazy in everything, except in loving and drinking, except in being lazy.
- Gotthold Ephraim Lessing

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Garry Shandling always said to me,”Don’t get mad, get funny. It changed my life.”
- Rip Torn

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Being in the army is like being in the Boy Scouts, except that the Boy Scouts have adult supervision.
- Blake Clark

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I figured out Karl Rove’s political strategy make gas so expensive, no Democrats can afford to go to the polls.
- Senator John Kerry

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Mission criticality does not imply criticality of mission.
- John Alejandro King

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Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting one in a fruit salad.

Submitted by Connor.
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Love is the emotion that a woman feels always for a poodle dog and sometimes for a man.
- George Jean Nathan

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Exceptionally we find a law which does not have an exception

Submitted by rishab.
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Nothing is impossible, means it is impossible to find something impossible,
here comes the contradiction………………..

Submitted by rishab.
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Coffee isn’t my cup of tea.
- Samuel Goldwyn

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It’s funny to me that I have to prove to the banks that I’M honest.
- Scott Adams

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I was such an ugly kid. When I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.
- Rodney Dangerfield

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Only one man ever understood me, and he didn’t understand me.
- G.W. Hegel

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Dogs laugh, but they laugh with their tails.
- Max Eastman

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No flying machine will ever fly from New York to Paris.
- Orville Wright

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The drivers have one foot on the brake, one on the clutch, and one on the throttle.
- Bob Varsha

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A large nose is the mark of a witty, courteous, affable, generous and liberal man.
- Cyrano De Bergerac

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Hello I am a virus and I am entering your brain right now sorry I will leave, I can’t find a brain.
- Anonymous

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After God, long live wine.
- Rosalia De Castro

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Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is like another nail.
- Dan Castellaneta

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If all you say are lies what do you say that is true?

Submitted by Andrew Salib.
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I always like a dog so long as he isn’t spelled backward.
- G.K. Chesterton

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