Funny Witty Quotes
It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.
Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
You never learn anything by doing it right.
The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.
Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
You can’t be late until you show up.
War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
– Albert Einstein
Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
– Erma Bombeck
Exceptionally we find a law which does not have an exception
I’ve dated men my age, younger than me and older. The only difference is the young ones are quicker at taking out the garbage.
– Lara Flynn Boyle
It’s funny; I actually made poorer decisions when I sobered up then when I was screwed up.
– Corey Feldman
Everybody’s funny if you love them.
– Anna Torv
No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that’s not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.
– Tucker Max
For sheer sexiness, a man must be beautiful. Funny. yes. Clever, no.
– Jilly Cooper
Comedy is not funny. Comedy is hard work and timing and lots and lots of rehearsals.
– Larry Hagman
The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness.
– Sam Shepard
I have funny bones. If there’s ever any kind of tension, I’ll always be the one to try and be funny to loosen things up.
– Matt LeBlanc
As soon as I realized you could be funny as a job, that was the job I wanted.
– Seth Rogen
It’s funny when people say you have sex appeal or call you the next Brad Pitt. I just laugh. I’m not that. I don’t want to be that.
– Kellan Lutz
People never ask people doing serious music, ‘Do you ever think about doing funny music?’
– Al Yankovic
I’m always more motivated by the pain of a funny character than by what makes him funny.
– Jason Alexander
Stealing, you’ll go far in life. Actually, there is something funny about getting away with it.
– Mike Judge
I value comedy. I value somebody who can be funny.
– James L. Brooks
You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.
– John Oliver
It’s a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It’s funny and accessible.
– Johnny Knoxville
If you can find the line between sympathetic and creepy, you have reached a very funny area.
– Jason Segel
I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.
– Gilbert Gottfried
Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it’s very funny.
– Gilbert Gottfried
Comedians, we’re just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.
– Artie Lange
I giggle when I put myself down. It’s just funny to me.
– Pauly Shore
And write what you love – don’t feel pressured to write serious prose if what you like is to be funny.
– Cassandra Clare
I don’t really have funny things to say about politics. I wish I did, but I don’t.
– Janeane Garofalo