Funny Witty Quotes

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It isn’t homework unless it’s due tomorrow.
– Anonymous

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Friendships last when each friend thinks he has a slight superiority over the other.
– Anonymous

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Never interrupt your opponent while he’s making a mistake.
– Anonymous

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The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
– Anonymous

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Every rule has an exception. Especially this one.
– Anonymous

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Knowledge is realizing that the street is one-way, wisdom is looking both directions anyway.
– Anonymous

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You never learn anything by doing it right.
– Anonymous

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The real trouble with reality is that there’s no background music.
– Anonymous

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Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some abuse the privilege.
– Anonymous

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I once spent a year in Philadelphia, I think it was on a Sunday.
– Anonymous

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Remember, today is the tomorrow you worried about yesterday.
– Anonymous

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You can’t be late until you show up.
– Anonymous

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War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left.
– Anonymous

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The secret to creativity is knowing how to hide your sources.
– Anonymous

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Put your hand on a hot stove for a minute, and it seems like an hour. Sit with a pretty girl for an hour, and it seems like a minute. THAT’S relativity.
– Albert Einstein

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Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
– Erma Bombeck

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Exceptionally we find a law which does not have an exception

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I’ve dated men my age, younger than me and older. The only difference is the young ones are quicker at taking out the garbage.
– Lara Flynn Boyle

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It’s funny; I actually made poorer decisions when I sobered up then when I was screwed up.
– Corey Feldman

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Everybody’s funny if you love them.
– Anna Torv

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No one wants to read a story where I saw a cute puppy on the street and I petted it. I mean, that’s not funny. I only write about the funny stuff.
– Tucker Max

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For sheer sexiness, a man must be beautiful. Funny. yes. Clever, no.
– Jilly Cooper

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Comedy is not funny. Comedy is hard work and timing and lots and lots of rehearsals.
– Larry Hagman

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The funny thing about having all this so-called success is that behind it is a certain horrible emptiness.
– Sam Shepard

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I have funny bones. If there’s ever any kind of tension, I’ll always be the one to try and be funny to loosen things up.
– Matt LeBlanc

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As soon as I realized you could be funny as a job, that was the job I wanted.
– Seth Rogen

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It’s funny when people say you have sex appeal or call you the next Brad Pitt. I just laugh. I’m not that. I don’t want to be that.
– Kellan Lutz

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People never ask people doing serious music, ‘Do you ever think about doing funny music?’
– Al Yankovic

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I’m always more motivated by the pain of a funny character than by what makes him funny.
– Jason Alexander

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Stealing, you’ll go far in life. Actually, there is something funny about getting away with it.
– Mike Judge

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I value comedy. I value somebody who can be funny.
– James L. Brooks

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You just try to be true to your idea of what is funny and what is also interesting.
– John Oliver

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It’s a real primal thing, watching someone get hurt. It’s funny and accessible.
– Johnny Knoxville

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If you can find the line between sympathetic and creepy, you have reached a very funny area.
– Jason Segel

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I changed the face of comedy. I used to be funny.
– Gilbert Gottfried

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Any misfortune that happens to another person is funny. If it happens to someone else and not me, it’s very funny.
– Gilbert Gottfried

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Comedians, we’re just people who whine. But we happen to be funny when we whine.
– Artie Lange

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I giggle when I put myself down. It’s just funny to me.
– Pauly Shore

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And write what you love – don’t feel pressured to write serious prose if what you like is to be funny.
– Cassandra Clare

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I don’t really have funny things to say about politics. I wish I did, but I don’t.
– Janeane Garofalo

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