Woody Allen Quotes

DownUp +21

The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +3

The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

If you want to make God laugh, tell him about your plans.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering and it’s all over much too soon.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

My Brain: it’s my second favorite organ.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind a pretty uncomfortable thought particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead not sick, not wounded dead.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

Life is a concentration camp. You’re stuck here and there’s no way ou t and.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp +1

When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp 0

Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp 0

On the plus side, death is one of the few things that can be done just as easily lying down.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp 0

It’s a wonderful thing to be able to create your own world whenever you want to.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp 0

Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp 0

Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp 0

I’m going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I’m going to Lourdes.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp 0

If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp 0

I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp 0

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on
DownUp -1

I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said “No.”
– Woody Allen

Comments Off on