Woody Allen Quotes
+21The study of economy usually shows us that the best time for purchase was last year.
- Woody Allen
+1When we played softball, I’d steal second base, feel guilty and go back.
- Woody Allen
+1How can I believe in God when just last week I got my tongue caught in the roller of an electric typewriter?
- Woody Allen
+1My problems all started with my early education. I went to a school for mentally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen
+1I was nauseous and tingly all over. I was either in love or I had smallpox.
- Woody Allen
+1Life is full of misery, loneliness, and suffering and it’s all over much too soon.
- Woody Allen
+1Money is better than poverty, if only for financial reasons.
- Woody Allen
+1Life is divided into the horrible and the miserable.
- Woody Allen
+1Not only is there no God, but try getting a plumber on weekends.
- Woody Allen
+1There are two types of people in this world, good and bad. The good sleep better, but the bad seem to enjoy the waking hours much more.
- Woody Allen
+1My Brain: it’s my second favorite organ.
- Woody Allen
+1I am thankful for laughter, except when milk comes out of my nose.
- Woody Allen
+1The universe is merely a fleeting idea in God’s mind a pretty uncomfortable thought particularly if you’ve just made a down payment on a house.
- Woody Allen
+1I had a terrible education. I attended a school for emotionally disturbed teachers.
- Woody Allen
+1I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead not sick, not wounded dead.
- Woody Allen
+1The food here is terrible, and the portions are too small.
- Woody Allen
+1It’s not that I’m afraid to die. I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen
+1Life is a concentration camp. You’re stuck here and there’s no way ou t and.
- Woody Allen
+1What is so fascinating about sitting around watching a bunch of pituitary cases stuff a ball through a hoop?
- Woody Allen
+1Some guy hit my fender and I said “be fruitful and multiply” but not in those words.
- Woody Allen
+1There are worse things in life than death. Have you ever spent an evening with an insurance salesman?
- Woody Allen
0Remember, if you smoke after sex you’re doing it too fast.
– Woody Allen
0To you I’m an atheist; to God, I’m the Loyal Opposition.
- Woody Allen
0I didn’t know he was dead; I thought he was British.
- Woody Allen
0I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.
- Woody Allen
0I’m very proud of my gold pocket watch. My grandfather, on his deathbed, sold me this watch.
- Woody Allen
0If only God would give me some clear sign! Like making a large deposit in my name at a Swiss bank.
- Woody Allen
0I’m going to give my psychoanalyst one more year, then I’m going to Lourdes.
- Woody Allen
0Why does man kill? He kills for food. And not only food: frequently there must be a beverage.
- Woody Allen
0Life doesn’t imitate art, it imitates bad television.
- Woody Allen
-1I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said “No.”
- Woody Allen
