Groucho Marx Quotes
+20I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
+6A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running.
- Groucho Marx
+5Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly and applying the wrong remedies.
- Groucho Marx
+3Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
- Groucho Marx
+2Outside of a dog, a book is man’s best friend. Inside of a dog it’s too dark to read.
- Groucho Marx
+1A man’s only as old as the woman he feels.
- Groucho Marx
+1In Hollywood, brides keep the bouquets and throw away the groom.
- Groucho Marx
+1I’ve got a good mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it.
- Groucho Marx
+1Alimony is like buying hay for a dead horse.
- Groucho Marx
+1Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.
- Groucho Marx
+1It isn’t so much that hard times are coming; the change observed is mostly soft times going.
- Groucho Marx
+1Since my little daughter is only half Jewish, would it be alright if she went into the pool only up to her waist?
- Groucho Marx
+1Many years ago I chased a woman for almost two years,only to discover that her tastes were exactly like mine: we both were crazy about girls.
- Groucho Marx
+1I never forget a face, but in your case I’ll be glad to make an exception.
- Groucho Marx
+1Marry me and I’ll never look at another horse!
- Groucho Marx
+1I would horsewhip you if I had a horse.
- Groucho Marx
+1Humor is reason gone mad.
- Groucho Marx
+1There’s one way to find out if a man is honest – ask him. If he says, “Yes,” you know he is a crook.
- Groucho Marx
+1Do you believe in computer dating? Only if the computers really love each other.
- Groucho Marx
+1I would never belong to a group that would accept someone like me as a member.
- Groucho Marx
+1I find television very educating. Every time somebody turns on the set, I go into the other room and read a book.
- Groucho Marx
+1A child of five would understand this. Send someone to fetch a child of five.
- Groucho Marx
0I don’t have a photograph, but you can have my footprints. They’re upstairs in my socks.
- Groucho Marx
0One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I’ll never know.
- Groucho Marx
0The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it made.
- Groucho Marx
0She’s afraid that if she leaves, she’ll become the life of the party.
- Groucho Marx
-1From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it.
- Groucho Marx
