Erma Bombeck Quotes
+5Never lend your car to anyone to whom you have given birth.
- Erma Bombeck
+5I do not participate in any sport with ambulances at the bottom of a hill.
- Erma Bombeck
+3A friend doesn’t go on a diet because you are fat.
- Erma Bombeck
+3Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the ‘Titanic’ who waved off the dessert cart.
- Erma Bombeck
+3There’s nothing sadder in this world than to awake Christmas morning and not be a child.
- Erma Bombeck
+2Never accept a drink from a urologist.
- Erma Bombeck
+2Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died.
- Erma Bombeck
+1If a man watches three football games in a row, he should be declared legally dead.
- Erma
Bombeck
+1The grass is always greener over the septic tank.
- Erma Bombeck
+1Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
+1I’ve been on a constant diet for the last two decades. I’ve lost a total of 789 pounds. By all accounts, I should be hanging from a charm bracelet.
- Erma Bombeck
+1Never go to your high school reunion pregnant or they will think that is all you have done since you graduated.
- Erma Bombeck
+1Being a child at home alone in the summer is a high risk occupation. If you call your mother at work thirteen times an hour, she can hurt you.
- Erma Bombeck
+1As a child, my number one best friend was the librarian in my grade school. I actually believed all those books belonged to her.
- Erma Bombeck
+1What’s with you men? Would hair stop growing on your chest if you asked directions somewhere?
- Erma Bombeck
+1My theory on housework is, if the item doesn’t multiply, smell, catch fire, or block the refrigerator door, let it be. No one else cares. Why should you?
- Erma Bombeck
+1Housework is a treadmill from futility to oblivion with stop-offs at tedium and counter productivity.
– Erma Bombeck
+1The Rose Bowl is the only bowl I’ve ever seen that I didn’t have to clean.
- Erma Bombeck
+1My second favorite household chore is ironing.My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.
- Erma Bombeck
+1Humor is a spontaneous, wonderful bit of an outburst that just comes. It’s unbridled, its unplanned, it’s full of suprises.
- Erma Bombeck
+1A grandmother pretends she doesn’t know who you are on Halloween.
- Erma Bombeck
+1I come from a family where gravy is considered a beverage.
- Erma Bombeck
+1Anybody who watches three games of football in a row should be declared brain dead.
- Erma Bombeck
+1You hear a lot of dialogue on the death of the American family. Families aren’t dying. They’re merging into big conglomerates.
- Erma Bombeck
+1Seize the moment. Remember all those women on the Titanic who waved off the dessert cart.
- Erma Bombeck
+1When humor goes, there goes civilization.
- Erma Bombeck
+1Marriage has no guarantees. If that’s what you’re looking for, go live with a car battery.
- Erma Bombeck
+1When your mother asks, ‘Do you want a piece of advice?’ it is a mere formality. It doesn’t matter if you answer yes or no. You’re going to get it anyway.
- Erma Bombeck
+1In general, my children refuse to eat anything that hasn’t danced on TV.
- Erma Bombeck
+1No self respecting mother would run out of intimidations on the eve of a major holiday.
- Erma Bombeck
0Dreams have only one owner at a time. That’s why dreamers are lonely.
- Erma Bombeck
0The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
- Erma Bombeck
